jootot

I no longer blog here but would be keeping this lj for the communities. Follow me @ *click image below*


http://tattletale-joo.blogspot.com

 

It's right on track.

31^st December. 2010.

How do I even begin to describe this year?

This year saw me, having the guts and the courage to leave a relationship that was so comfortable but so wrong for me. Just in time before I allowed the demise of my confidence completely. On hindsight, this year showed me how my prior concern about being jaded was definitely unfounded.

This is due to the fact, I take the opposite direction and went all out for this love.

This caused me so much.

It caused me to not be able to even try to plan or even dream to have some freedom with my goals.

This year, I learnt who I want to keep close, some of whom I would rather keep in contact but from a distance, some who I want to keep really close but can't due to the time limitations.

 2010 brought out in me that person, bare and broken but unlike recent years of heartbreak, I learnt to walk again, to stand up again, to be strong enough to grit my teeth and take up all of life's fucking challenges AND blessings and just accept it, take it in, throw it out and simply do something about it. Yes, this year, I learn that I can do something about it.

 Also, this year showed me my strengths and what I want to do as a career path, something I would really want to venture in, professionally. I learnt that my best friends were my own family and my family was also my friends, those who have stayed throughout the years.

 This year also showed me what money and stability can do to oneself and created my hunger for success and satisfaction. There is no room in your mind for mediocre thinking. The power of the positive attitude, towards how you treat people, each individual task and how you treat yourself.

 I met someone great, this year. One who is as obsessed and giving as how I am, almost. To give me that affection I have hungered for so long. This man brings out the best in me and I feel really blessed and for once, can see myself growing and evolving a better person day by day as long as he is by my side.

 Yes, this year, I am struggling, financially, I struggled emotionally.

 But 2012, this is the year that I am going to be the best that I can be. To know what I am good at and do it. To be myself and not apologetic or guilty about it. To always wish good upon people and not let my insecurities affect or give me any allowance to crticise anyone and myself. To train that little voice inside me to have faith in me. To look the best I can look without it being overtly vain, confident. To have respect in promises being made regarding time. To allow myself some credit from time to time without it being an excuse to be stuck in the rut. To push myself to endless possibilities and believe that studying for my degree is not so far away, that travelling is possible and the ultimate resolution is that no mattter how much I have to work, I am going to clear my hefty mistake of thousands of dollars debt this year itself, or I am going to die trying.

 So yes, 2012 is not about social events or partying as much as much as building me according to what I have aspired for myself for so long. This year, I chase. And I am going to get there. Just you wait and see.

Let me start off by telling a simple story.

Every night, mixing drinks behind the bar, every night. Talking to customers, getting to know them a little bit better.These customers who patronize the bar become less of a customer and more towards a whole group of really good friends.Some drink for joy, some for intense sadness, some lonely, others just feel like ripping their hair off their scalp in boredom.

A silly banter, some attempts at Michael Jack's moonwalk all get together to form a whole experience of fun.

The same faces, every day. I am not one to broadcast my emotions very freely. But broken and really angry inside from the breakup and the financial mess it had brought upon me, I started drinking. Drinking to get away from the calls from the bank,from the sweet promises that the world tries to market to me, which tasted like crap. But the high it brought me, it also removes all my inhibitions because no longer was I just out to have fun. I was out to forget that I was in fact, very alive. It felt mind numbingly painful and empty.

One day, something new happened. I rested on a stool, puffing away on a ciggie and started sobbing. The sadness was so intense and the blood pumping excitedly in my body (due to the alchohol), I cried and I felt as if my heart was hanging by an anchor so deep within my soul, I never thought it could get better. A friend walked in and like entering a room he shouldn't started backing away but took a seat nontheless. He tried comforting me but I just got angrier and started imposing all my opinions of the injustice that is this world and love is and he just took it. After two full hours, listening to me with a pained look on his face, I started to relax and then I told him this, loaded with self pity, "All I wanted was someone to love me, that's all, I really thought this was it. Now I am all alone..again."

He nudged my face to look into his eyes and said, "You are not alone. You, of all people, are not alone." I blinked a tear away and looked away, I couldn't look at anyone. "There is always a reason why He tested you so much" "Who?' I asked, suddenly confused.
"Him. He never tested me or the people around you because He knows they are not strong enough. You. You are amazing and been through so much and still laugh and smile ALL.THE.TIME. Your strength is immense. You think, He won't walk you through this one, the same way He walked with you through all the other crap. With His tests, comes your wisdom of life. With His tests, you have seen much more that people your age have seen and emerged out very well. So never, ever, think you are alone, because He is with you, even now almost telling you, things are going to be ok."

I looked at him and cried. These tears are not the same tears. These tears are of relief, are of joy. I looked straight into his eyes and said ,"I forgot about Him, i forgot, Neil." He smiled and from then onwards, we became tight friends. Always raising my motivation and confidence. One day, I borrowed his Tablet to cure my boredom and play Angry Birds. Imagine my suprise when I saw my picture on his wallpaper! I ignored it, love was the last thing on my mind and he did not mention anything so I am just going to pretend I did not see it.

I continued, dating and healing. He was always there in the club, laughing with us and some of the times, my dates. One day, he said,"I am going to tell you this, I love you. I have loved you for a year now. Everyone in my life knows about you. Except yourself. You are going to be with me one day. Not now, because I want to give you the best. And right now, I am not ready yet. But one day." I replied, "Neil, I love you but not like that. You are a dear, dear friend but I am not ready to go into all that right now and I do not think I am going to be very soon. You know I am dating and I do not intend to stop anytime soon." He looked down and looked at me again , "Date but you are going to end up with me. Trust me." I shrugged and went on my way.

Three days, he did not come to the club. I started missing him. I find myself checking my phone once it ring, thinking it was him. And to my amazement, felt irritated that it was not him. This was odd.

A few months later, I have never been happier. Too soon? Perhaps. The feeling? Purrfect.

Too many things are happening all at one shot. I do not have the time to talk about feelings now but let's summarize it in point forms for the sake of my livejournal.

1) I broke up with Jay. Too many thoughts on that. But one thing is for sure, though at times, I get this sudden wave of emotions, the primary emotions would be relief.

2) Am trying to date again. Innocent movie dates type of things but needs to relax for awhile first.

3) Working in Le Bleu is spectacular and have decided to take about one more month till I decide to get a day job.

4) Am staying in my own place and trying to fix things up one step at a time.

5) Burying old hatchets are hard but essential.

6) Gotta shower now. Prayers then off to girl bond. Need me some of that.

7) Hair and laundry first.

Adios, for now.

Today I want to speak out on things that I was afraid to for quite some time, I do not believe that many people read this anymore other than those who actually makes a little extra effort to know things about me which I believe then deserves to read these thoughts that i write. Recently, I have been taking some pills against my better knowledge just for me to lose weight, thought it has worked a slight bit, I have also stopped eating properly. And the past two weeks, I have passed out twice. This incident have shown to me many things about the kind of people around me and how poorly I have been treating myself in the chase to do what? Lose weight, be happier. I have lost about 5 kg but I feel worse about myself.

This idea. This idea of feeling good only when you look the best that you could, when others say you look good, this chase. It's exhausting. And no matter how many times I hear that I look good, I never believe it because I believe I can always look better. And that is exactly how girls are, aren't we. Once we lose that weight, we want to lose those pores and then get those shoes to make you look better than you already look in the first place. Yesterday, when I passed out again, I looked into the mirror and I saw myself pale without a flush of colour on my cheeks and I got scared. And so, I threw my bad habit out of the window and started again as how I first began a healthy lifestyle before the words of others got to me.

And so, I have been trying to recuperate in mind, body and soul. Because we are who we are and we shall never be who that other person is, even if that other person was a picture of you in the past. We all have changed, why not our body? I am not saying that we are all exempted from trying to look good but like our heart and mind that have been eroded with our experiences with life, love and consequences, it gets okay to sometimes take a step back and accept ourselves, just the way we are.

The best times in your life are going to be the kind whereby you did not even plan it, spontaneous. Recently, I broke into a fit caused by a stupid row me and the bf got into. It got me downing Jagerbombs & the wonderful concoction of Martell-green tea(for health! hah!). Which came as no suprise that me and the family got into a drinking spree and woke up verrry late to visit our god mum. We made plans to hit Clarke Quay so my sister and her hubby went back home to drop her kids and parents in law while me and him went to drop my mum home.

Since it was still early, (like 7pm), we headed out to the only place in SIngapore where the sleaze begins early and ends late, Orchard Towers. After knocking back a couple of jugs and me hustling the pool table, we headed out to get some kebabs for my ravished sister but my drunkard of a boyfriend got a quarter bottle of whiskey which we started downing and gib-gabbing. I broke out into a cold swear as it was that time of the month and i was losing waaaaay too much blood and my sis babied me for awhile till I was okay and started drinking again. My sister was being a brat and insisted that she wanted to go back home as she got to drive for a road trip to Keluang, Malaysia. Suddenly, we were being included in the discussion as well. So, we headed back to pack and off we went without any sleep and intoxicated as hell.


 
 










I have omitted out pictures of the waterfall and pardon my hair. We were in a rural area, it was not necessary, ok!

Ok guys, I got to go now and pretend to be interested in this course. Ta-ta!