Add me and I'll give you the world.
All personal entries shall be locked.
Be my friend, I won't bite.
It's true, though. Reading my past blog showed me that I was always one to focus more on what is going on in the depths, if possible, the dirtiest depths of our mind and our soul. Be it my own or for others. I believe that just as how you would feel much better cleaning the environment of your room, your house, your closet to make it a more hospitable place to live in, that is exactly how we should clean up the corners of our soul to make it a more hospitable place to live and think in.
Feeding ourselves with the cutest little armchair in mint green at the corner where we light a candle and read, where we take a long breath and exhale, sort of like cleansing our negativity before allowing our conscious mind to be enveloped in someone else's thoughts, printed out in a book form. That's the same corner we all need to escape from all our thoughts that circle in our head every single day, hour and minute. These thoughts, some of them yours, some of them influenced by the people around you, the media. But this corner in your soul is pristine, where things are exactly how you want it to be and enable you to take a deep breath and let all the thinking go.
But there was one article on Thought Catalog, the same very one that I shared in a few entries before.
No one is original. Isn't that terrifying?
We could have just started out as a blank canvas. Totally open to the world. A box of markers right in front of us. One by one, person by person would pick up one marker and start colouring. Started off with a nice picture, a graffiti and then it starts to be a mess. After awhile, some ink would seep into the canvas and bleed through, something that cannot be repaired and makes you just the person you are.
And then, there is the media, guiding you with what's appropriate, what is not, depending on the era. Shoulder pads for the 90's, hippy-ish peace signs for the 70's, loud and extroverted 80's and finally, could I just say, with a pinch of salt, cynical and sophisticated Now.
So, we all try to act the same only with a few quirks, unique person to person but all just a mix of all the colours on our canvas. Can we be different? Can we pick up a marker ourselves and draw around all that mess and make it beautiful again? Have a say before, that canvas is thrown in the garbage and cease to exist. Have a say so that our canvas is sold in galleries for an exorbitant amount of cash.
Can our soul be kept in a way where we are priceless?
It's right on track.
31st December. 2010.
How do I even begin to describe this year?
This year saw me, having the guts and the courage to leave a relationship that was so comfortable but so wrong for me. Just in time before I allowed the demise of my confidence completely. On hindsight, this year showed me how my prior concern about being jaded was definitely unfounded.
This is due to the fact, I take the opposite direction and went all out for this love.
This caused me so much.
It caused me to not be able to even try to plan or even dream to have some freedom with my goals.
This year, I learnt who I want to keep close, some of whom I would rather keep in contact but from a distance, some who I want to keep really close but can't due to the time limitations.
2010 brought out in me that person, bare and broken but unlike recent years of heartbreak, I learnt to walk again, to stand up again, to be strong enough to grit my teeth and take up all of life's fucking challenges AND blessings and just accept it, take it in, throw it out and simply do something about it. Yes, this year, I learn that I can do something about it.
Also, this year showed me my strengths and what I want to do as a career path, something I would really want to venture in, professionally. I learnt that my best friends were my own family and my family was also my friends, those who have stayed throughout the years.
This year also showed me what money and stability can do to oneself and created my hunger for success and satisfaction. There is no room in your mind for mediocre thinking. The power of the positive attitude, towards how you treat people, each individual task and how you treat yourself.
I met someone great, this year. One who is as obsessed and giving as how I am, almost. To give me that affection I have hungered for so long. This man brings out the best in me and I feel really blessed and for once, can see myself growing and evolving a better person day by day as long as he is by my side.
Yes, this year, I am struggling, financially, I struggled emotionally.
But 2012, this is the year that I am going to be the best that I can be. To know what I am good at and do it. To be myself and not apologetic or guilty about it. To always wish good upon people and not let my insecurities affect or give me any allowance to crticise anyone and myself. To train that little voice inside me to have faith in me. To look the best I can look without it being overtly vain, confident. To have respect in promises being made regarding time. To allow myself some credit from time to time without it being an excuse to be stuck in the rut. To push myself to endless possibilities and believe that studying for my degree is not so far away, that travelling is possible and the ultimate resolution is that no mattter how much I have to work, I am going to clear my hefty mistake of thousands of dollars debt this year itself, or I am going to die trying.
So yes, 2012 is not about social events or partying as much as much as building me according to what I have aspired for myself for so long. This year, I chase. And I am going to get there. Just you wait and see.